Death by a Beauty Contest
by Cherry-sama
Summary: Link is stopped in the middle of his 'adventures' and is alerted about hosting a Beauty Contest between Zelda, Malon and Ruto! Little does Link know that the first prize is...HIM! WARNING! ABUSIVE USE OF SUNSETS!
1. Chapter 1: A Normal Day at the Castle

**Death by a Beauty Contest  
****By Cherry-sama**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Legend of Zelda, Ocarina of Time, but I do own the troubles Link must go through! Mwahaha_ha_!**

* * *

Cherry-sama: Hi! And welcome to the first chapter of Death by a Beauty Contest! 

Link: So what happens in the fic?

Cherry-sama: You'll host a Beauty Contest!

Link: What's a Beauty Contest?

Zelda: Never mind, Link. Just vote for me!

Malon: For me!

Ruto: For **me**!

Link: I'll vote for…

Girls (except Cherry-sama): _(leans closer to Link)_

Link: I'll vote for 'HELP MEEEEEEEEE'!

Zelda: -.- Please read this.

* * *

"Link loves me!" Zelda yelled at her two best friends, Malon and Ruto. 

Today was one of those regular days at Hyrule Castle. The maids were cleaning/maiding, the guards were guarding (badly I might add), the cooks were cooking, the gardeners were gardening, the king was kinging, and the girls (Zelda, Malon and Ruto) were girling. Err… Grilling? No! Fighting! That's it!

"No he doesn't! He loves me!" Ruto protested.

"Why don't you girls admit it? He loves me more than either of you!" Malon exclaimed.

By the way, my definition of a regular day at the castle means chaos at the castle… For the king.

"Who would love a farm girl?" Ruto yelled at Malon, while walking away from her and stopping abruptly to turn around, facing her. "He would only marry royalty!"

"That means he will marry me!" Zelda exclaimed.

"No! He's engaged to me!" Ruto told Zelda.

"Says who?" Malon asked crossly.

"Says me!" Ruto exclaimed, kicking a nearby side table and knocking it down, breaking the priceless vase on top.

The king hated whenever all the girls got together. They would either rip each other's hair out or break everything within the room. If only Zelda's mother hadn't died, she could sort this out. In fact, if only all the girls' mothers hadn't died, they wouldn't be fighting in the first place! But they were all dead and the law was that only a female could come to the castle to give reports on their areas. Why did it have to be these two (excluding Zelda for now)?

"Link would only marry a princess!" Zelda yelled.

"It's unhealthy to date outside your species!" Malon sneered.

"That's what makes us original!" Ruto protested, kicking the carpet, as result there was a large hole in it. "It's so boring to marry a regular princess!"

"The hero marrying a princess isn't original either! It's more creative if he marries a regular farm girl!" Malon exclaimed.

"Why do you girls always fight over this 'Link' guy?" asked a maid nearby, who had just walked into the room and started cleaning up the mess with a black and white feather duster, for the king had called her to clean up.

"Because these two girls believe that Link loves them!" Zelda told her maid, walking over to the maid, Zelda's finger pointing at the other two.

"BECAUSE HE DOES!" the other two girls protested.

"Why do you even care about this 'Link' character?" asked the maid.

"Because he's so dreamy…" Malon sighed, camera zooming in on her, now looking all calm, oddly staring at the ceiling, and having numerous hearts floating idly about her head.

"And he saved me…" Ruto sighed as the camera zoomed on her now and she looked the same as Malon.

"And he works for me…" Zelda sighed, as the camera zoomed out to look at all three girls who had somehow stood to line up in a row, having the same facial expressions.

"Oh! So all he is to you is another servant!" Malon hissed, first to break out of this odd hypnosis.

"He saved me so he must love me!" Ruto exclaimed, next to break out, making Zelda break out and look all evil like.

"Well, if you want to find out who he loves most, all you have to have is a Beauty Contest!" the maid exclaimed.

The girls paused for a moment, then said together…

"Naw." The girls told the maid in a lame voice.

"And the winner gets to marry Link…" the maid continued.

The girls froze.

"OwO GETS TO MARRY LINK!" all the girls happily yelled.

"Yep." the maid told the girls, all looking very happy.

"Alrighty! Where should it be held?" asked Malon.

"Not in a public area like Hyrule Field… That would look very odd." Zelda told the girls.

"Should I get a messenger to tell Link?" the maid asked Zelda, the maid adding a little bow.

"Yes! But don't tell every detail to the messenger!" Zelda told the maid, not wanting Link to know that he was first prize, and she knew that the messenger was a blabbermouth.

"As you wish princess." The maid told the girls before leaving the room.

The maid left the room, where the King was expecting her. He was standing right outside the door, waiting for the maid to come back out either in pieces or dead.

"How did it go?" the King asked, seeing that her hair wasn't pulled out of their roots.

"O.O Your highness! You're out of your throne!" the maid gasped horrified, examining the King from heads to toe.

"Never mind that, Tiffany. I see you're still alive… How?" the King asked.

"-.- You need another female in your life…" Tiffany the maid sighed, basically saying that the King needs another wife.

* * *

Link sighed; he was lying on the grass of Hyrule Field. The grass felt so soft. The sun was so bright yet, not too bright. The sky was the prettiest shade of blue he had ever seen since he had left the forest. He was lying on a slop, not too step, not too flat. Navi was flying around his head in a slow way, as she admired the scenery, not too fast, but not too slow. 

This was the kind of day Link would call perfect.

"MESSAGE FOR MR. LI-WHAT'SHISFACE!" yelled the bunny-hood guy.

Link sat up to see the bunny-hood guy running straight for him. Link was about to get up but his reaction was slow so he was run over, right over his belly. xO… Ouch…

"AUGH! AIEEE!!!! ZITTTTTT!!!" Link yelled in pain.

"I told you not to laze around…" Navi hissed.

"Are you Mr. Li-what'shisface?" asked the bunny-hood guy who just realized Link was there.

"My name's Link…" Link muttered, getting up while clutching his stomach.

"Oh well. Even if you aren't Mr. Li-what'shisface, I'll give you the message!" the bunny-hood told Link.

"-.-" Navi looked.

"The Princess Zelda, the Farm Girl Malon, and the Princess Ruto want you to be judge of their yearly Beauty Contest! Like always!" the bunny-hood guy exclaimed, apparently a royal messenger.

"Yearly Beauty Contest?" Link asked, for this wasn't fitting under his definition of a perfect day.

"I've never heard of that!" Navi told Link, the reason she hadn't heard of it because this was the first year of doing their so-called 'yearly Beauty Contest'.

"And they are holding it at the Lost Woods!" the bunny-hood guy continued. "Or was it the Shooting Gallery?"

"Well, which is it?" Navi asked annoyed.

"I think it's the Shooting Gallery…" the bunny-hood guy paused.

"Why me?" Link asked, for he knew nothing about these 'Beauty Contests', or even been in one!

"Because they…they…I have no clue, but I think it's a secret!" the bunny-hood guy told Link. "Now, I must be off to find Mr. Li-what'shisface!"

And with that, the bunny-hood guy left the scene of the crime.

"Secret, eh?" Navi asked, sounding Canadian with the 'eh' added. "Well, you'll have no trouble finding it out! You always are told secrets!"

"Yeah…but…" Link paused. "What if I won't find out until it's too late?"

"Naw! That's just crazy talk!" Navi exclaimed.

So Link started to walk off into the sunset, but realized he was going the wrong way so he walked to Kakariko Village, to the Shooting Gallery, when really the Contest was to be held at the Lost Woods.

Meanwhile… At the Lost Woods…

"Honestly, what's keeping Link?" Malon asked, in a pretty outfit, at least prettier than her usual one.

"Maybe he ran away to get Zora's Engagement Ring!" Ruto exclaimed, wearing a sluttly bikini.

"I hope the messenger got the details right…" Zelda paused, wearing a rather short skirt and a sleeveless top with some fur perching on her shoulders.

Then, then bunny-hood guy ran to the Lost Woods, to Zelda.

"Princess! I wasn't able to find Mr. Li-what'shisface but I found this guy named Link!" the bunny-hood guy exclaimed.

"You were suppost to tell Link! Not Mr. Li-what'shisface!" Zelda hissed.

"Oh. Well, I told Link and he started to come here!" the bunny-hood guy exclaimed.

"Good." Malon told the bunny-hood guy.

Silence.

Then, something struck Zelda!

"Ouch!" Zelda hissed, for a bug had bitten her and got her royal blood.

…Then, an idea struck Zelda. …It made a loud…bonk?

"Owww…" Zelda muttered, for an abnormally large light bulb had just fallen out of the sky and hit her on the head, thus giving her an idea.

Zelda got an idea.

"Messenger…" Zelda paused, holding an icepack on her head (which appeared randomly), seeming to ignore the fact that she had just been bitten by a bug and had a goose egg on her head from a technology that is beyond her time.

Malon and Ruto snickered at the ramble that I just finished.

"Yes, Princess?" the bunny-hood guy asked.

"Where is here?" Zelda asked, making a test of this man's knowledge.

"Why?" Malon asked, giggling evilly.

"Don't you know?" Ruto smirked.

"I do, but does he know?" Zelda asked the girls.

Silence.

"This is the Shooting Gallery in Kakariko!" the bunny-hood guy exclaimed.

Zelda froze. Link, knowing his geography, had obviously gone to Kakariko instead of the Lost Woods. Zelda felt so shocked, so horrified, so mad, that she could only say one thing without ripping the bunny-hood guy to shreds.

"You're…fired." Zelda told the bunny-hood guy.

* * *

Cherry-sama: Chapter one! 

Link: _(shifts eyes)_

Navi: Don't mind him.

Zelda: If you want to find out what happens next, review! Cherry-sama is having more chapters for this! Who will win? Me?

Malon: Me?

Ruto: Or me?

Zelda: Find out in the next chapter!


	2. Chapter 2: Who deserves respect?

**Death by a Beauty Contest**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Legend of Zelda, Ocarina of Time, but I do own Tiffany, who I think is awesome.**

* * *

Cherry-sama: Hi! And welcome back to Death by a Beauty Contest! Or DbaBC for short! 

Link: Again? You always use abbreviations!

Cherry-sama: So? Saying it the long way is hard to type!

Zelda: -.- Don't mind us. Just read and find out who wins!

* * *

Link sighed. He had just walked into the Lost Woods. He had come here after seeing Kakariko's Shooting Gallery deserted (and after talking to the perverted clerk who was very scary in a disturbing way, so Link decided that the girls would never hold a Beauty Contest near a guy like him). Link sighed as he put another step on the soft grass, that sank whenever he stepped on it, but sprang up again as his foot was lifted. It was so soft, like a sponge with water lightly sprinkled on top. I shall now call it spongy grass. 

"Link! Hurry up! You're already late and you are the judge!" Navi hissed.

"Fine. Fine." Link told Navi as he started to run towards the location, instead of admiring the wonders of this spongy grass with every step he took.

The bunny-hood guy ran by. His clothes were tattered. His eyes were black, the same black as all his arms and legs were. His nose seemed like a fountain of blood.

Link stared at this sight and decided that he didn't want to judge the Beauty Contest…

So he ran the opposite way.

"HEY! THE CONTEST IS THIS WAY!" Navi hissed as she grabbed Link's arm and started to drag him along.

Navi, amazingly for her size, was stronger than Link. But Link had a sword as he ran away anyways.

Meanwhile… At the Castle…

The King was sitting in the throne room. Sitting high on his royal chair, the King sighed. It was so quiet without his demonic little Princess… The King paused. Maybe he should find out why Zelda went into the Woods.

"Tiffany!" the King called out. "Come here!"

Tiffany the maid ran into the room.

"You called sire?" Tiffany asked, her short black hair glistened in the lighting of the Castle's candles.

"Why did Zelda run off into the Lost Woods?" the King asked.

"Well, you see, your highness, I've come up with a way to stop your Princess from fighting with her friends!" Tiffany exclaimed.

"Oh? How so?" the King asked.

"Well, you see, your highness, I've told the girls that they should have a Beauty Contest!"

"How does that stop all the fighting around here?"

"This 'Link' person will choose which girl he likes the most. Either Princess Zelda, the farm girl Malon, or Princess Ruto. When he chooses one, the other two will be heart broken, and give up on Link. The winner will live a happy life and have Link for her own."

"So, basically, Link will stop the fighting? And leave two girls in the dirt?"

"Exactly, your highness!" Tiffany exclaimed evilly, before breaking out into a "MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"

The King paused and looked at Tiffany. She didn't look like the potential person to be the villain…

"Bye, your highness!" Tiffany exclaimed sweetly after she stopped cackling.

Tiffany then skipped out of the room, almost as if she was never the evil person, but yet…SHE WAS!

The King became puzzled. It would be fine if Malon and Ruto were left in the dirt… But what if he left his only daughter, Zelda, in the dirt? Surely he wouldn't! But…would he?

The King came to a decision. He would bribe Link to pick Zelda!

"IMPAAAAAAAA!" the King yelled.

"Yes, your highness?" Impa asked, oddly appearing after emerging from the shadows behind the king and scaring the living daylights out of him.

"EEEEEEEK!" the King screamed as he hid on his throne.

"O.o Highness?" Impa asked.

"AHHH! Ahem. I want you to—" the King told Impa, whispering in her ear.

"But highness! You shouldn't leave your throne!" Impa exclaimed, the only thing keeping her from breaking out into a 'YIPPEE' because the King had asked her to be his replacement as he went to go bribe Link.

"Fine then! You go!" the King hissed.

And with that, Impa disappeared behind some smoke (ToS fans, it was Sheena's smoke) and somehow ended up on top of her horse. Then she journeyed off into the sunset but realized she was going the wrong way and went off to find Link.

Meanwhile…Link…

Link was hiding behind a tree. For those of you who are interested, it was the tree by Kakariko, the one in the corner on the left.

Impa found him, grabbed his tunic and pulled him onto her horse.

"AHHHHHHHHHHH!" Link screamed during the process.

"Link. I want to talk to you. And where were you going?" Impa asked.

"He was running away from the Beauty Contest." Navi explained.

"About that, Link… Who in the world deserves respect?" Impa asked.

"You?" Link guessed.

"No! Princess Zelda! And who in the world is the only one who treats her as if she's a regular person?" Impa asked.

"You?" Link asked.

"No! You! Zelda, competing in a Beauty Contest like this, shows her equality to two other unimportant girls." Impa continued.

"Ruto's important…" Link protested.

"She's important? She's just as important as the Princess of destiny, the heir to the whole world, the beautiful tomboy, and the fashion statement for the entire planet?" Impa asked, putting her hands on her hips while saying this.

"…Good point…" Link paused.

"Whatever. Link, choose Zelda for she deserves to show the world that she can win at no respect contest." Impa told Link.

"Thus giving her more respect." Navi pointed out, but Impa decided to ignore this statement.

"Now, do you want a ride to the Lost Woods?" Impa asked sweetly as she could get because Impa wasn't used to being this sweet.

"Ummm… Just to the Kokiri Village please…" Link told Impa, for he was scared because of Impa's bitter attempt for being sweet.

And with that, you guessed it, they rode off into the sunset, or some other mush like that. But then Impa realized she was going the wrong way, and made a sharp turn. Link fell off, due to this sharp turn and started to walk to Kokiri Village, while accidentally running into Lon Lon Ranch.

…Odd.

Meanwhile… Zelda, Malon and Ruto…

Zelda hissed as the other two girls tried to hold her back. Zelda was on insanity mode, as she wanted to kill the bunny-hood guy. Zelda's fingernails were outstretched, as if she was a chipmunk high on caffeine! Err…a horse made of shoelaces? A Bobby pin bicycle? Err… How about you think of your own way to describe Zelda's evil mode…

"Calm down, Zelda!" Malon exclaimed.

"It's not the end of the world!" Ruto exclaimed.

"If you want, I can go and get Link!" Malon told Zelda, for they were best friends after all.

Zelda froze.

"…You would do that?" Zelda asked, facing Malon, eyes all watery for she was currently touched.

"Sure!" Malon exclaimed, being the sweet, innocent farm girl we all know and love.

Malon then walked off, to Lon Lon Ranch to get Epona, for she wasn't going to Kakariko by foot.

Right after Malon left, Impa rode into the Woods.

"Alright! I brought Link here, Princess!" Impa triumphantly exclaimed, on top of her white horse.

Zelda and Ruto looked around. Link was nowhere to be seen.

"Where is he?" Ruto asked.

"He's—oh dear…" Impa smiled but then paused when she saw Link wasn't anywhere to be seen. "He must have fallen off when I made that sharp turn…"

Zelda was about to go on insanity mode again, but Impa knew the cure! Impa then whistled (badly I might add) 'Zelda's Lullaby'.

"That…song…" Zelda muttered, eyes half closed as she tried to stay awake.

Zelda then fell asleep.

* * *

Cherry-sama: Chapter two! 

Link: That chapter was two pages shorter than the last one!

Cherry-sama: Ummmm…

Navi: Link, that only means less pain for you!

Link: _(looks shocked then does a happy dance)_

Cherry-sama: ………IGNORING THAT!

Zelda: -.- Please review… So I can wake up…

Ruto: O.o How does that work?


	3. Chapter 3: HE NEEDS A HORSE!

**Death by a Beauty Contest**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Legend of Zelda: OoT, or anything else. BUT, I will warn you, if you have watched the Gilligan's Island episode: Beauty is what Beauty does (I think that's it); this whole fanfic will seem very familiar…**

* * *

Cherry-sama: Hi! And welcome back to DbaBC!

Link: Why am I always here?

Cherry-sama: One, cause you are a main character, two, you are hot, three, you look like a fox when you play the Ocarina.

Link (younger): O.O I do?

Cherry-sama: Sadly, yes.

Zelda: Please read, because I'm sure my Link wants to get away from the insane person that escaped from the asylum.

Malon: My Link.

Ruto: No! MY Link!

Link: -.- I'll be the judge of that.

Zelda: You already are!

Link: -.o!

Ruto and Malon: Please read!

* * *

Where we last left off, Zelda had fallen asleep. But we shall zoom in on Link, because I said so.

Anyways, Link was wandering to Lon Lon Ranch. But that was then, and this is now, so he was now at the ranch!

"Hey! Talon?" Link asked as he woke up the sleepy adult from his sleep, near the loudest bunch of chickens ever heard.

"Huh? Eh? What?" Talon asked grumpily, since he was in the middle of a dream, in which had Link come to him and elected Malon for the winner of a random Beauty Contest, but little did he know that it was semi-reality.

"Can I borrow a horse? I'm late getting to a Beauty Contest I'm suppost to host." Link told Talon.

Talon froze, his eyes widened. He realized his dream **was **real! He remembering that in his dream, he just convinced Link that he should vote for Malon. Talon sat up, bolt upright, and put his arm around Link, acting as if he had never been sleep for the last few hours.

"My boy, let me tell you something." Talon told Link, a boy that just happened to be very creeped out at this point.

"Ummm… All I need is a horse…" Link told Talon, but he wasn't heard.

"Now, first I must ask a question." Talon told Link.

"…Yes?" Link asked, for he decided that in order to get a horse he needed to play along with Talon's games.

"Is Malon in that Beauty Contest, yer just happen'n to be going to?" Talon asked.

"Um… Yes sir…" Link paused.

Talon smirked. He knew now how easy it would be to convince a little naïve boy like Link. But little did Talon know, Link was thinking how easy it would be to play along with this game Talon was playing at.

So the conversation went like this…

"If I were hosting that there Beauty Contest, do you know who I'd vote fer?" Talon asked.

"…Malon?" Link asked, for it was obvious that he would pick his daughter, but Link didn't know he was first prize.

"Exactly!" Talon exclaimed. "But my boy, do you know why I'd choose her?"

"Um… Because she's your daughter?"

"…Besides that."

"Because she's one of three contestants?"

"No! Because…well…" Talon paused as he came up with a good reason to pick Malon.

"Because?"

"Looky here at Princess Zelda. She's made her mark in the world. For the rest of her long life she can talk about her fabulous role." Talon told Link, referring to the other contestants.

"True…" Link paused, actually considering that Malon should, or could win, but decided to think about it later.

"Now looky here at Princess Ruto. She can talk about 'er fabulous father." Talon told Link.

Link said nothing as he tried to hold back a large shudder, thinking about King Zora's fatness.

"Now looky at Malon." Talon started. "Little, pretty, sweet Malon. Now what does she have that can truly be considered fabulous?"

Link paused for a moment, "Her singing voice?"

"You might have a point there…" Talon paused, and then regained his composure. "Ahem. Now Link, try yer best to understand. Malon needs to win like the other two possibly couldn't."

"Well…" Link paused, looking down, trying to hide his annoying thoughts at Talon, for he really needed that horse.

Navi (who I haven't, mentioned since last chapter) could see that Link was really getting annoyed, so she spoke up.

"Look here, Mr. Talon. Link is very busy. This Beauty Contest is taking up one his only moments of spare time. Link would like to get this Beauty Contest over with so he can relax a bit more." Navi explained, looking really mad. "And as Link said before, HE NEEDS A HORSE!"

"Alrighty…" Talon told Navi, turning back into an expression that showed that he was still sleepy. "You can take any horse but Epona. Unless you'll vote for Malon!"

Talon winked at Link, Link had no idea why he was winking, since he didn't know that he was first prize.

"Any horse but Epona…" Link muttered, loud enough for Talon to hear. "GOT IT!"

Link ran off to the stables. Talon just lay back down and fell asleep. Malon came in and woke Talon up.

"Daddy? Can I use a horse?" Malon asked.

"Huh? Sure. I think you can use Epona. I don't think Link took her." Talon told Malon, half asleep.

"Link? He was here?" Malon asked.

"Yeah… He said something about a Beauty Contest…" Talon told Malon.

"I might be able to catch up with him…" Malon muttered to herself. "Seeya Daddy!"

Malon ran after Link. Since Link was new at riding, he had only gotten two meters away from the ranch.

"Need any help mister?" Malon asked, trying to sound like a guy, and actually succeeding…

Oddly enough…

"Sure, sir. I'd like a hand." Link replied, thinking this new person was a guy.

"First, unwrap your arms around the horse's neck." Malon told Link, still sounding like a guy.

Link did just that, and froze. He had just thought of something.

"Do you want anything in return for helping me?" Link asked in a suspicious voice.

"Well…" Malon told Link, not sounding like a guy, hopped onto Link's horse and hugged him around the middle. "I'd like you to vote for me in the Beauty Contest."

Link froze again. Another thing occurred to him.

"…Malon?" Link asked.

"You guessed it!" Malon giggled.

"…I think I'll be fine from here…" Link told Malon as he rode off, somehow leaving Malon behind, who was to busy in her thoughts to notice.

"Honestly!" Navi exclaimed. "What's with people these days? They're all acting so strangely near you!"

"I dunno…" Link paused. "But I can't believe a girl told me how to ride a horse."

"Girls know lots of things." Navi told Link, for he thought that most girls were brain-dead zombies with cooties. "Zelda knows how to rule, Ruto knows how to clean water to it's finest, and Malon knows more about horses than you ever will."

"If Mido ever finds out that I got pointers from a girl…" Link muttered to himself, as if he never heard Navi.

"FOR GOODNESS SAKES, LINK! GROW UP! GIRLS AREN'T BAD! IN FACT, WITHOUT GIRLS THERE WOULDN'T BE A YOU!" Navi hissed, going beyond Link's education level.

"What do you mean by that?" Link asked, for his naïve-ness never failed at times like this.

"Never mind…" Navi muttered.

"And besides, girls have cooties! I could become seriously infected if one got within five kilometers!"

Navi paused. Did Link even know that he was speaking with a girl?

"…Link?" Navi asked.

"Yes, Navi?" Link asked, his innocent eyes looking happily at his fairy partner.

"You do know I'm a girl, right?" Navi asked.

Link's facial expression turned from sweet to sour. Link fell off his horse.

"O.O WHAT?" Link yelled, in a way that seemed mainly like a scream.

"-.- You do have a Beauty Contest to host…" Navi told the stupid guy she stalked.

With that, Link climbed on his horse and rode off into the…you guessed it…the sunset. No wait… It's nighttime… Well… He rode off into the…moonset? Whatever. You get my drift. Then he realized he was going the wrong way so he head to Kokiri Village.

Meanwhile…Zelda and Ruto…

Someone was snoring loudly in the Lost Woods. No, not Zelda. She had woken up at sunset, and couldn't fall asleep again. It was Ruto! DUN! DUNN! DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN—

"CUT THAT OUT ALREADY!" hissed Ruto in her sleep, but then snored again.

…Okay…

"O.o" Zelda looked, for she was the witness of this.

Impa was still there.

"Is something wrong, Princess?" Impa asked.

"…YES! THERE'S A SLEEPING BEAUTY RIGHT HERE, I CAN'T JOIN HER, MY HUSBAND TO BE IS SOMEWHERE IN KAKARIKO, AND I HEARD THE NARRATOR!" Zelda hissed.

"HUSBAND TO BE? HE'S MY HUSBAND TO BE!" Ruto hissed in her sleep, but snored again.

"AND NOW, AS I SPEAK, I'M HAVING AN ARGUMENT WITH A SLEEPING FISH STICK!" Zelda yelled, pointing to Ruto.

"FISH STICK? FISH STICK?!" Ruto hissed in her sleep. "I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW—"

"SEE? SEE?" Zelda asked. "SHE'S TALKING TO ME EVEN THOUGH SHE'S DREAMING!"

Sleeping Ruto, got up from the ground, walked over, slapped Zelda, and fell to the ground, sleeping.

"O.o…" Impa looked.

"……………HOW DARE YOU!!!" Zelda hissed.

We dare not find out what will happen with this. All I shall say is that their make-up will never recover…

* * *

Cherry-sama: Chapter three!

Link: What was with Talon…?

Navi: He wanted you to vote for Malon. Just like Impa wanted you to vote for Zelda.

Link: Yeah, but why?

Navi: …Who's trying to convince Link to vote for Ruto?

Cherry-sama: A Zora. Who else?

Navi:_ (falls over)_

Zelda: Please review so I can beat the fish stick to crap.

Ruto: EH??? Who says** you'll** win?


	4. Chapter 4: He’s trying to bribe a judge!

**Death by a Beauty Contest**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Legend of Zelda: OoT, but I do own…I do own…ummm…what do I own? Maybe I should ask SoC… HEY, SOC? WHAT DO I OWN EXACTLY?**

* * *

Cherry-sama: Hi! And welcome back to DbaBC! 

Link: _(points upwards)_ What did SoC reply?

Cherry-sama: I dunno. I didn't ask her.

Link: O.o But you just did!

Cherry-sama: Oh yeah…

Navi: Who's SoC?

Cherry-sama: My sister. SoC stands for Sister-of-Cherry-sama.

Navi: Wouldn't that be SoCs?

Cherry-sama: No. In other fanfics, I call myself Cherria.

Navi: I needed to know that because?

Cherry-sama: …I'm not sure…

Zelda: -.- Please read the story.

* * *

Link sighed as he entered Kokiri Village. He had just walked through the door and had some trouble deciding something. He was not riding Talon's horse. 

"Why, oh, why do all horses, which are invincible to almost everything, protest whenever I try to ride them over a tree root?" Link sighed, for apparently Link had tried to make the horse walk over a plant cell (of the tree root) and the horse revved up and threw Link off, knocking him out for at least two hours.

"Because they must be naturally afraid of trees, for some unknown reason." Navi told Link.

But the answer is explained right here! Ahem. Horses—

"Hey, Cherry-sama?" asked a random person off set, for most of my stories happen at studios.

—Oh, what?

"_(Whispers something in Cherry-sama's ear, for she's usually narrator)_" the person whispered.

EHHH? We don't have any time on the fic's schedule to explain why horses are afraid of tree roots?

"_(Nods)_" the person nodded.

Dang it! CURSES! Ahem. Maybe later.

Anyways… On that note, Link walked to his house, not horse, for he was quite fed up with those creatures at the moment and currently wanted nothing to do with them.

But Link walked to his house… Or almost did. Halfway there, Kokiri reporters mobbed him.

"Is it true that you are going to vote for Saria?" asked a Kokiri reporter.

"O.o Saria?" Link asked.

"Since when do the Kokiris have reporters?" Navi asked.

Ever since Mido died.

"I'M NOT DEAD!!!" Mido protested, for he was the newspaper writer.

…Whoops. Wrong Zelda fic.

"Is it true that you are going to choose the only girl from the forest?" asked another reporter.

"…What do you mean…?" Link asked.

Little did Link know, but Saria told the Kokiris that she was in the contest too, when she really wasn't.

"Is it true that you'll pick Saria over the other three girls?" asked yet another reporter, thus my using the word 'mobbed'.

"Umm… Please…" Navi told the reporters, but she wasn't heard over all the questions asked.

"EXCUSE ME!" Link yelled, managing to get all the reporters attention at the same time. "I'M A VERY BUSY PERSON! I DO NOT HAVE TIME TO BE ATTACKED BY RABID FAN GIRLS!"

"O.o We aren't rabid fan girls…" protested all the guy reporters.

"BUT WE ARE!" all the girl reporters exclaimed.

Then Link got mobbed once again, only this time, by half the population. Link by this time was very ticked.

"GET BACK OR I'LL CHOP YOUR HEADS OFF!" Link hissed, drawing his sword.

Link moved his pencil rapidly on his sketch pad (which he secretly carried around). Not only did he draw his sword, but he also drew a stick picture of him holding the sword and a few headless Kokiris. He showed his 'magnificent' drawing to the other Kokiri, who automatically stepped aside so Link could finally get to his house. Navi stayed awhile longer only to ask one question.

"I thought you said this isn't your other Zelda fic, 'Totally Messed'." Navi told the authoress. "Why on Hyrule do you use jokes from there?"

Because they're funny!!!

"-.-" Navi looked.

And with that, Navi flew off into (guess what)…the sunset. Wait… The sun just rose… Not set… Ummm… So Navi flew off into the sunrise? Whatever, you get my drift.

Navi then realized Link's house wasn't that way so she flew to his house. Navi found that inside, Link was washing his face, which was a rare sight considering Link's poor hygiene. Or he was sort of washing it… He only grabbed a handful of water and splashed it on his face. Either way, he washed it. Navi took out her digital camera.

"…" Link paused while looking over at Navi. "How did you get that? They aren't invented yet!"

"Oh yeah…" Navi paused while looking at the camera and then throwing it out the window.

There was a loud bonk.

"OW!!! HEY! WATCH IT! LITTERER!" yelled a random Kokiri boy (the shop owner) outside, who had got hit on the head.

"…Sorry…" Navi whimpered, for she had flown over to the window and glanced down at the evil looking Kokiri.

Link sighed, then he heard a voice.

"Pssst!" it pssted in a whisper-ish voice. "Hey mister, over here!"

Link paused. Where was that coming from? He looked at his sink (Link has a sink? Since when? Ahem). There, he saw, a Zora leap out of the water that was draining from the sink.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Link screamed, for this was something he really didn't expect.

The reporters had a sudden, violent urge to mob Link again, but they thought of Link's 'artistic' stick picture.

"O.O" Navi looked.

"Shush!" the Zora hissed. "Don't alert the other people!"

"Too late." Navi told the Zora, pointing to the curious Kokiris outside, who had just ran over to Link's tree house.

"How did you get here?" Link asked.

"In a Zelda comic (the authoress read on Zelda Universe, thought Zelda Infinite has more) it says that Zoras can transport anywhere there's water." The Zora explained; the Zora actually looked like a Zora and not some crappy fish thingy as shown in the comic.

"Oh." Link paused.

"Why are you here?" Navi asked.

"The King Zora sent me with a message, addressed to Link." The Zora told Link.

"What is it?" Link asked.

"Well…" the Zora paused, not sure how to put the message.

"Yes?" Navi asked.

"The King Zora is a man of few words. How much will it cost to make Ruto win?" the Zora asked.

"O.O" Navi looked.

"O.o He's trying to bribe a judge!" Link exclaimed.

"…No! No. No. No…" the Zora told Link in an over joyous voice, making Navi able to tell that he was lying. "He was just testing your honesty, and you came through with flying colours!"

"Oh. Okay." Link smirked.

"What's your speech?" Navi asked, for too many people had given her and Link too many speeches so she knew when they were going to start rambling.

"Well… A woman's most prized possession is her pride (AN: O.O WHAAAAAATTTT!!! IT IS NOT! At least I don't think it is…or maybe it is…I dunno. Maybe I'd better shut up before all the people in the world think I'm stupid… x.x)." The Zora started, getting out of the sink and sitting on Link's bed, making what the Zora touched, wet. "Now Ruto competing in a regular contest like this. It isn't fair! It isn't democratic! Let's say your own mother was competing on American Idol."

"O.o What's American Idol?" Navi asked, for this was Hyrule.

"And my mom's dead." Link told the Zora, Link not sure that he even had a mother (he still thinks he's a Kokiri).

"Whatever. Who would you vote for?" the Zora asked.

"I'd choose mom! I'd choose mom!" Gilligan—err…Link exclaimed.

"And a vote for Ruto is not like a vote for the other girls!" Mr. Howell—erm… the Zora exclaimed, bringing a big commotion inside the household and making the reporters desperate.

"Yes sir!" Link told the Zora, standing in an army like way and saluting the Zora with two fingers.

"Isn't it three?" Navi asked Link.

"I'm not sure. I'm still stuck on square 'American Idol'." Link told Navi as the Zora vanished.

Meanwhile… The Forest…

Malon walked into the Forest.

Malon by this time was just in time to see insomnia Zelda and sleeping Ruto, fighting in white outfits and black belts. Impa and a few other animals from the Lost Wood's wildlife, were sitting nearby, either munching on food or betting which Princess would win. Ruto did a high kick. Zelda blocked it with her one hand and pushed Ruto's stomach with the other, thus making her fall to the ground.

I'm glad I bet on Zelda! n.n

"What happened?" Malon asked, who had just got in.

"It all started with me whistling 'Zelda's Lullaby'…" Impa told Malon.

Malon was very confused. Malon ended up walking up to the fighting, grabbing one of both the girl's arms, lifting them above the ground, doing a fancy stunt by twirling them around in the air a couple times, and let go of both of them at the right moment thus making the girls fall on their backs.

Dang… I bet on Zelda…

"Who would have thought of betting for Malon?" Impa asked, not realizing that Ruto had just woken up, with a bad headache.

"MEEEE!!!" exclaimed a random evil chipmunk, who grabbed all the money and ran away cackling.

Good thing I only spent two dollars! n.n

"MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" the chipmunk cackled as he came back and took the narrator's money.

…THAT BLOODY CHIPMUNK STOLE MY MONEY! COME BACK HERE YOU SWINE!

* * *

Link: Chapter four! 

Cherry-sama: _(runs around with a net chasing a furry thing)_ CURSES, CHIPMUNK! CURSES!

Chipmunk: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA—

Navi: That's getting repetitive.

Chipmunk: _(is about to say something before dodges Cherry-sama's net)_

Cherry-sama: HISS! _(hisses insanely like an angry cat high on caffeine)_

Zelda: O.o How does that work?

Navi: Simple. You mix a bunch of coffee in a kitty's food and pull it's tail. It's that simple.

Zelda: I meant how Cherry-sama hissed.

Link: Whatever. Please review.


	5. Chapter 5: I can swim!

**Death by a Beauty Contest**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Legend of Zelda: OoT, but I do own the ebil (to Link) Beauty Contest. I don't own SoC and her talents of writing romance, you see, she did actually write all the romance description starting from "Walking down a deer trail" to "they would always—" The dialogue I gave to her, but she only altered it ever so slightly. But I have a feeling that you would have noticed.**

WARNING:

**This chapter includes one MAJOR couple. I have many reasons for choosing this couple! If you do not like this couple, please hear me out when I explain WHY I CHOSE THIS COUPLE! -.- I don't want you guys to hate me… So please, if you are thinking that you may flame me just because the couple isn't the way you want it to be, please be nice…**

**YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

* * *

**

Cherry-sama: Hi! And welcome to the FINAL (and probably longest) CHAPTER of Death by a Beauty Contest!

Link: Or DbaBC for short.

Navi: Why'd you say that, Link?

_(silence)_

Cherry-sama: I think I'm rubbing off on Link.

Link: WHAT! ARE NOT!

Zelda: …Yes she is…

Link: SHE ISN'T! THE RUTO WANNA-BE ISN'T RUBBING OFF ON ME!

Ruto: _(mutters to self) _Maybe, Cherry-sama will make me win… Say your prayers girls…

Navi: Are you a Ruto wanna-be?

Cherry-sama: I really like the Zora tribe. But I don't want her triangular shaped head.

Ruto: HEY! I thought you were a fan of LinkxMe!

Cherry-sama: I am!! (Oddly enough…)

Zelda: Please read, so I can finally get to marry Link!

Malon: I will!

Ruto: NO! ME!

Link: Ehhh?

Girls (not Cherry-sama and Navi): _(snickers)_

* * *

In Kokiri Village…

Link was now combing his hair. Why you ask? Well, even if you didn't, you still should, since Link isn't one of hygiene, considering how many times he takes a bath in OoT (none). Ahem. The reason is because Navi, being the little ball of joy, innocence, and above all, friendly fairy she is, she hissed evilly at Link, yelled evil words with bad meaning at him and said that he must make himself look nice because these girls were the head honchos of Hyrule.

That was easy enough for Navi to say… Her hair (not like she had any) wasn't so tangled that it was almost dreadlocks. Combing his hair completely took Link twelve hours. He would have taken twenty-four if Navi hadn't started to comb it for him (pulling hard to show her annoyance).

Ouch… I pity poor Linky-kins.

"RUTO WANNA-BE!" Link yelled, standing up and pointing directly towards the camera.

Navi, who just finished washing the comb, looked over at Link, who was still pointing at the camera. Or where the camera was a few seconds ago… Now the camera was near Navi and Link was still pointing at the ceiling where the camera used to be.

"…Who are you talking to?" Navi asked oddly, for Link didn't seem to be feeling okay these past few seconds.

"…I'm not sure…" Link muttered uncertainly as he slowly lowered his finger.

Ha ha. I win.

"HER!" Link yelled, pointing at the nearest intercom. "I'M TALKING TO HER!"

"Link… In your contract, it says that you have to ignore the narrator at all times, remember?" Navi told Link.

"It does?" Link asked.

"-.- Yes."

"And how do you know what's on my contract?"

"I had to sign it too. And I was hovering above your shoulder."

"Oh."

All of a sudden, a little animal, jumped into Link's window, holding a bag of money. The animal was a—WAIT A MINUTE!

"Mwahahaha." Laughed the evil chipmunk from last chapter, holding all of the narrator's cash.

…DIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEE!

_(sounds of the authoress running from the other end of the studio, to kill something on set it took an amazing short amount of time…)_

"I WANT MY MONEY BACK!!!"

"Mwahahahahahahahahahahahaha—"

_(sounds of jumping towards small creatures are heard)_

"…Why did you just jump over here and grab onto me, Link?"

"I'm scared, Navi… Can you protect me?"

"—hahahahahahahahahaha—"

"Oh, shut up, evil chipmunk."

"NEVER! That's why I'm evil, as you dubbed me, oh authoress."

"…THAT'S IT! YOU'RE GOING TO DIEEEEEEEE!"

_(sounds of a human and a fluffy thing jumping out a window, are heard)_

"…Navi… Can we go yet?"

"Fine. As long as you wear something snazzy."

"Such as?"

"Such as that tuxedo I stole from Mido's house. It's on the table."

"O.o WHHHHHAAAAATTT?"

"Shush! He might hear you!"

**'THEN MIDO WENT INTO THE HOUSE AND PULLED LINK'S GUTS OUT!'** yelled a loud and gory voice from the intercom that came out of nowhere.

HEY! GET AWAY FROM THE MICROPHONE, CHIPMUNK!

**'MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA—'**

Oh shut up.

Then the authoress and the chipmunk ran off into the sunset, chipmunk still holding the bag of money.

'**Why the sunset? Isn't it still morning over there?'**

No. It took twelve hours to comb Link's hair. Morning plus twelve hours equals sunset.

**'Oh. Okay.'**

_(sounds of running away are heard, and from what you are guessing, the running people are running into the sunset, being the first official people who ran into the sunset and actually stayed there)_

"…I'll go get your escort…"

"Navi, why do I have an escort?"

"Because this person knows the forest pretty well and you are going to be wearing Mido's special tuxedo."

"But I'm not going to wear Mido's tuxedo."

"Yes you are! Put it on while I go get the escort."

_(sounds of jingling bells are heard, probably because Navi just left the camera's earshot)_

"…At least I can ignore the narrator now!"

_(sounds of changing were heard, no detail, I assure you, due to the fact that I am not very perverted. Jingling of bells came through a door)_

"The escort's here—ack! Link! Why are you only half done?"

This was true, since Link had only been able to put on Mido's black pants before Navi came back.

"Hey! The narrator's back!" Link exclaimed, not wearing a shirt.

"That's not the narrator/authoress! It's her sister!" Navi yelled at the clueless Link.

And for that, I curse Cherry-sama's evil Japanese rock music.

There was loud cackling heard from far away.

"Whatever." Navi told the intercom then went to face Link. "Your escort will be up here any minute! If your escort sees you—"

Then, a young girl entered Link's front door.

"OwO HOLY DEKU SCRUB! LINK LOOKS HOTTER WITH HIS SHIRT OFF!" Saria exclaimed, hugging the man who wasn't wearing a shirt, which made him forcefully show off his masculine chest (compared to the other wimpy Kokiri guys).

"…Why did you choose Saria?" Link asked Navi suspiciously.

"She seemed like a good choice at the time…" Navi paused, looking at Saria, still hugging the masculine Hylian.

Meanwhile… In the Lost Woods… Where the Princesses and Malon are…

…Let's not even go there…

Back to Link's house…

…Link was gone? The house was empty…

To where Link and Saria are…

Walking down a deer trail in the woods were Link and Saria. The long grass reached up to their knees, brushing them lightly with dew-covered blades. The trees towered overhead, the red glow of the distant pastel sunset casting an eerie luminescence over the trail. There was a quiet whisper of a breeze, and Link squeezed Saria's hand to keep it warm.

Looking over at Link with a slight blush on her cheeks, Saria smiled shyly at him. He smiled back at her, feeling so lucky to have a best friend such as her. Saria meanwhile was gazing steadily at Link, who had now found a clean cotton shirt, complete with the jacket of the tux. He looked so bold and dashing, Saria noted, he was always handsome, with or without a shirt. Casting her an affectionate look, gazing deeply into her jade-hued eyes, he opened his mouth, about to comment on how beautiful she looked, when suddenly, he tripped over a log.

Saria let out an alarmed cry and dashed to his side, helping him to his feet. He had torn an enormous hole in the pants of tux pants. Link smiled sheepishly at her, but not seeming to care too much. After all, they were Mido's pants. Saria didn't seem to mind either, as she was still gazing helplessly at Link. The suit had already taken quite a beating already, but it was alright…there was love in the air. The birds were singing and it was spring…

Perhaps Link only considered it friendship, but then, what kind of friends would have their fingers intertwined as they did? What sort of friends would be standing so close from one another, slowly, ever so slowly drawing nearer to one another?

"Saria…" Link paused, holding both of her warm, soft hands in his. He looked earnestly at her as he spoke. "Why did you tell all of Kokiri Village that you were in the Beauty Contest?"

"Oh. That." Saria said, looking away slightly, fidgeting a little, and seeming somewhat embarrassed. "I had just heard from the King of Hyrule that you were hosting a Beauty Contest. I decided to tell the rest of the village that you were hosting the contest. But they however somehow misunderstood me and now they think I'm in it."

She gave a nervous laugh, "It's a little outlandish."

"Oh," Link grinned an understanding smile. "It's alright. Actually, I pity you a little."

A soft, but burdened sigh escaped her pale lips.

"Sometimes…I wish that I could be…in the contest." She confessed quietly, looking at her hands that Link was still clasping gently.

"Why?"

"You're hosting it." Saria explained softly, slightly shy of her words. She wasn't sure…but she thought that maybe…just maybe Link would want her to be in the Beauty Contest. Perhaps maybe he even…— "But because I'm not in it, you can't choose me."

"I would choose you if you were in it." Link replied, releasing one of her hands and tilting her face up to look at him.

"Why?" she ventured, looking up hopefully at him. Maybe he really did—?

"Because you are the girl I've known the longest," he said, giving her one hand an affectionate squeeze, "I hardly know the rest of them… They're only people that I've met recently."

"That's alright," Saria said with a subtle heartfelt sigh, trying to appear as if it did not matter to her. But actually, she felt a twisting disappointment within herself. "It isn't like can choose someone that's not in the contest."

"…Someone that is not in the contest…" Link paused, breaking his gaze with her as he contemplated something.

An idea stuck Link with such a force that he seemed dazed. It was such a simple concept! Why hadn't he ever thought of it before? He seized Saria up in his arms, overjoyed.

"Thank you!" Link exclaimed before encircling her in his arms and planting a swift, passionate kiss on her delicate lips. Releasing her, he gave her a look of deep gratitude and love that could only come from someone who was the closest of friends—perhaps even more than that. He tucked some loose strands of hair behind his pointed ears, giving him a discreetly dashing look before trotting off down the path, towards the setting sun.

Saria looked after him, her heart thudding loudly in her chest cavity, a heavy blush dabbed across her cheekbones. She gave a slight intake of breath before calling out a belated farewell. "…Goodbye…Link…"

At the Contest…

Link burst out of the foliage of the Lost Woods and into the vicinity of the Beauty Contest. He had had quite a few mishaps on his journey there, having tripped over a number of tree roots, walking into half a dozen branches and being caught up in three separate rose bushes. His hair was a wild mass of matted strands, looking no different than it had since Navi had attacked it with her comb. Nonetheless, he had made it, and now he was striding undauntedly up to the contestants.

The three of them all looked up at him with admiring eyes. Each seemed breathless in his presence, almost swooning with delight. Yes, he was beaten and battered, but he was still Link, the man that they all loved. No matter what, they would always—

I ASK YOU! I LEAVE THIS STUDO FOR ONE MINUTE, AND ALREADY IT'S TURNED INTO A ROMANCE FIC! (guess who)

"Wasn't it already humor/romance?" Link asked the intercom.

Erm… Whatever! Now it's a gushy romance story! (Cherry-sama)

Hey! You were the one who asked me to do this as you went after an evil chipmunk that stole your cash! (SoC)

"What happened to him anyways?" Navi asked.

Oh. The reason I left is because he was trying to drink my iced tea! HE CAN HAVE ALL THE CASH IN THE WORLD, BUT NOT MY PRECIOUS! Hiss…(Cherry-sama)

O.O Iced Tea? He wouldn't dare! (SoC)

He did. Now, I must continue along with **MY** fic, oh romance writer of doom. Go back to your AiyshaxGanondorf fic, or Picking up the Pieces. (Cherry-sama)

Fine! I shall go back to my AiyshaxGanondorf fic! It's got a better plot than this! (SoC)

_(sounds of authoress' sister SoC, leaving are heard)_

"O.o" looked all the actors.

Finally! On with the fic!

So, the girls' hearts were a flutter. Big deal.

Oh. And guys, it's now morning partially because I said so and also because it apparently took Link and Saria all night to arrive there. Link got lost. After all, it **_is_** the lost woods.

Ahem.

So then Link sat down on a chair. Since there were no chairs, he fell to the ground. The girls rushed over to him.

"I'm okay!" Link hissed grumpily.

Link then noticed that his shirt was ripped in two down the back.

"Take it off! You don't need it anyways!" Navi hissed.

Link took his shirt off. He almost got mobbed from all the Link fan girls, off set, but he hastily grabbed the shirt again and put it on in a matter of no time. Then the fan girls cried. But this is a story about Link, not the fan girls.

The girls walked on to the stage. Since there WAS no stage, they fell down to the ground and ripped their pretty outfits. Zelda's fur collar snapped, Malon's suspenders snapped, and Ruto's bikini snappe— got even sluttier…

Thus the point of my rambling, Link had a large (larger than most of the others) hole in Mido's tux and the girls were doing the show on the spongy grass.

"Umm… I'm not sure how a Beauty Contest usually works…" Link told the girls.

"Ummm… I don't either…" Zelda paused.

"Neither do I…" Malon paused.

"Honestly! You girls are such idiots! How it starts is…um…how does it start?" Ruto asked the authoress.

Beats me. I've never watched a beauty contest on T.V. The only one I've watched is on Gilligan's Island, which is on the second season.

"What did they start with?" everybody on set asked.

I dunno. Let me watch the 15 to 30-min episode again and check…

"WAIIIIT!!! NO! COME BACK!" everybody yelled.

Then, Impa emerged from the shadows.

"Hey guys, what's up?" Impa asked cheerily, as if I had not just made that so-called 'creepy' entrance.

"We're trying to start the Beauty Contest, but we don't know how." Zelda told Impa.

"Oh, I just watched that Gilligan's Island Episode and I know how it went!" Impa exclaimed.

How did you know it was the Gilligan's Island Episode?

"Whatever. I think they started with the speech." Impa told the crew.

"Okay…" all the girls paused.

What? You don't remember?

…Why'd you glare at me, Impa?

"I'll go first. Ahem." Zelda started, pulling a long sheet of paper, which looked like it would take months to finish.

"…" Navi paused while looking at the speech, horrified.

"Hi, I am Princess Zelda, Princess of Hyrule, and before I get on with my speech, I'd like to tell you about my life so far." Zelda started.

Link got ready to hear the longest part of her thingy-ma-bobber.

"I've been a Princess who loves Link. And that's my life so far." Zelda told the crowd.

"O.O" everyone, including Impa but not Zelda, looked.

"Now, the reasons for me being the winner: I am pretty, smart, leader of Hyrule…" Zelda started.

"What shall we do?" Link asked.

"Say that you'll give her a kiss after the Contest if she shuts up." Navi suggested.

"Umm… Okay…" Link paused, not knowing what the reaction would be.

"…have nice hair, have blue eyes which can turn red or purple, am good at Kung-fu, am good at Karate…" Zelda continued (Zelda is good at Karate…yet, ironically she lost the sleepy showdown… Odd…).

"Zelda! If you shut up, I'll give you a kiss afterwards!" Link yelled, uncertain this was the right thing to say.

Zelda's hand his her forehead and she fell over backwards, out-cold. Impa carried her away.

"Okay… Next up is Malon." Impa grinned forcefully as she dragged Zelda out of Link's view, and Malon walked in.

"I shall now milk a cow, who will say my speech for me." Malon exclaimed as a cow appeared from behind a bush.

Malon began to sing. The cow spoke.

"MOOOOOO! What a lovely song! Reminds me of the pasture." The cow exclaimed.

"O.O" everyone looked, including Malon, who was not expecting this.

"I feel like I can produce a lot of milk! Have some of my nutritious milk!" the cow exclaimed, magically milking itself and giving Malon a bottle of it, cork, Lon Lon label and all.

"Um…" Malon paused, looking at the bottle of milk in her hands as the cow began to eat some of the AWESOME spongy grass.

"NEXT!" Navi yelled.

Impa walked 'on stage'.

"Next up is Ruto." Impa told Link.

"Okay…" Link told Impa.

Impa walked 'off stage'. Ruto walked on.

"Now, I am going to sing a song in tribute of Linky-kins!" Ruto giggled like a pyromaniac, which is ironic since she is a FISH.

"Isn't that suppost to be for the talent part?" Link asked, but nobody cared what he thought at this time.

Ruto turned her back to Link, and after a few musical notes, she faced Link with a BIG smile on her face. The YMCA song started playing in the background. Ruto started to do a dance like a supermodel, which she just happened to be in this world.

"Young girl,  
Wanna see a hunk?  
I say young girl,  
Ogle at this punk!  
I mean you girl!  
Have you fallen in love with that well-built body?

Ohhhhhh!

You've got to fall in love with L-I-N-K!  
You've got to fall in love with Linnnnky-Kinnnssss!  
He's everything,  
That your heart even dreamed!  
So come on and join the crowwwwdddd!"

My my, this song sounds familiar. (SoC)

I've used my other YMCA song in Tales of Reversia and Messages in the Fruits Basket. (Cherry-sama)

"Young girl,  
Are you not satisfied?  
I say young girls,  
Are your actions justified?  
I mean you girl!  
Do you know the crime for not loving guys like him?

Ohhhhhh!

You've got to fall in love with L-I-N-K!  
You've got to fall in love with Linnnnky-Kinnnssss!  
He's e—"

"BRAVO!" Link cheered sarcastically.

Ruto swooned. Impa walked into Link and Navi's view.

"Alrighty! Now there will be a 10 min break, so I can attempt to wake these girls up." Impa smiled a fake smile as she dragged Ruto off stage.

"…Sooo…" Navi paused. "Who won this round?"

"I'd have to say Malon. Hers was entertaining and it wasn't the least bit scary." Link told Navi.

Meanwhile… Behind the bushes…

"Let's see… What to wake these girls up with…" Impa paused.

Impa got an idea.

"I know!" Impa exclaimed, inhaling.

Back to Link and Navi.

Link and Navi were talking about sour milk when they heard a loud yell.

"GUESS WHAT GIRLS! YOU WON!" yelled someone, who suspiciously sounded like Impa.

There was a sound that made Link wonder what girls were made out of. That sound, was a sonic boom. The audience will now come to the theory that the sonic boom was made when the girls sat bolt upright.

"OwO REALLY?"

"Nope."

"Awww…"

"LINK! WE'RE READY!" a voice called out, sounding a lot like Impa.

"OKAY!" Link called back.

"But that wasn't ten minutes…" Navi moped, because she really didn't want to finish her Jello™ without enjoying every bite, but life hated her and her Jello™, so she had to eat it quickly.

Impa raised her head out of the bushes.

"Now, the girls will waltz down the center of the stage, which we do not have. First up is Zelda." Impa smiled.

Zelda walked into Link's field of view, walked down the…center of the stage… She tripped once or twice, and walked back down.

"Alrighty! Next up is, Malon!" Impa exclaimed.

Malon walked into Link's field of view. She was swinging a bucket, full of milk. She walked up the so-called 'isle'. At the halfway point, the bucket flew out of her hands and landed on Link's head, getting Mido's suit all milky. Malon gasped and ran down again, her face in her hands to hide her embarrassment.

"…Link?" Navi asked, looking at Link, top half of his body was covered in milk.

"You'd better not comb my hair afterwards." Link hissed from under the bucket, for milk is a gluey substance.

"Umm… Ruto?" Impa asked, looking at Link's state.

Ruto walked up the isle, and down. Since her bikini was sluttier than before, it was scary to watch. Good thing Link had a bucket over his head.

"MY EYES!" Navi screamed, covering her eyes, wanting to pull them out.

"I think it wouldn't be a pretty sight…" Link sighed, lifting the bucket off of his head.

"And now, for a quick moment of silence so we can overhear the judge." The girls yelled together as they ducked into the bushes.

"I have a feeling we're being overheard…" Link told Navi.

"Nonsense!" Navi exclaimed. "Now who won this round?"

There was a loud amount of gasps and shushes heard from the bushes where the girls were hiding behind.

"I'd say Zelda. Hers was better than the others." Link told Navi.

"YES!" a loud voice exclaimed from behind the bush, the voice sounded a bit like Zelda.

"So one for Zelda and one for Malon, right?" Navi asked.

There was a loud 'HA' heard from behind the bushes, voice sounding like Malon.

"Yep." Link told Navi.

Impa then exclaimed.

"Finally is the talent competition." Impa exclaimed.

"Aren't there more than that in Gilligan's Island?" Navi asked.

"I'm pretty sure there are, but Cherry-sama is shortening this for an unknown reason known only to her." Impa explained. "Now it's Zelda!"

Zelda walked into view.

"I will now dance to the song you know as 'Zelda's Lullaby'." Zelda told Link.

'Zelda's Lullaby' played. Zelda fell asleep.

"Umm… Malon!" Impa exclaimed, dragging Zelda 'off set'.

Malon got on set. Epona was on set too.

"I can ride a horse!" Malon exclaimed as she jumped on Epona.

Epona saw Navi and thought she was a blue carrot(?). Navi turned white and flew away. Malon was thrown off.

"Oof!" Malon grunted, landing on the ground.

Link looked at her. She looked at him. He had the bucket off his head by this time.

"Ummm… I can milk a cow!" Malon exclaimed.

The cow appeared. Malon tried to milk it. She failed.

"Hey!" Malon whispered to the cow. "Little help here!"

"You milked me already. I have no milk left." The cow replied.

"Oh yeah?" Malon asked, singing Epona's song.

The cow said its lines again. The cow milked itself and gave Malon an empty bottle.

"Huh?" Malon paused, looking at the bottle, with the cork and with the Lon Lon label, with no milk.

"I told you I had no milk left." The cow smirked.

Since Malon sang 'Epona's Song', Epona charged over to Malon. Malon screamed as she was thrown 'off stage'. Navi hid behind Link. Impa walked on; apparently she had woken up Zelda.

"Umm… Ruto?" Impa asked.

Ruto walked into view. She was carrying an inflatable pool. She put a bottle of water in the pool (it only rose up to one centimeter) and looked over at Link.

"I can swim!" Ruto exclaimed, jumping in the kiddy pool and running around in it.

"…THAT'S VERY NICE!" Navi told Ruto, who stopped running and stared at her.

"Let the judges discuss the results!" Link called out, and then the girls went behind the bush again.

"Who won this time?" Navi asked.

"Ruto. Her talent actually worked." Link told Navi.

There was a loud squeal of delight.

"This isn't good…" Navi paused. "It's a tie. Who'll win?"

There were a series of loud moans and groans.

"Don't worry, I've already decided." Link smirked. "Girls! You can come out now!"

After a loud succession of cheering, the girls jumped out the bushes before you could say 'Triboxular Structures'. They were all lined up in a row, looking very pleased with themselves.

Link walked up them. Navi followed him, above his head. She then lowered to about his shoulders.

"Now, I know all of you girls want to know who won, but before that, I'd like to say, if you don't win first place, at least you tried and got to participate." Link told the girls.

"Nicely said." Zelda smiled.

"Now—" Link continued.

"Come on, Link! Who won?" Ruto asked.

"With due respect to all the girls, the winner is…" Link told the girls.

The girls leaned closer; ready to give Link a kiss if they had won.

"…Navi." Link told the girls.

Navi turned bright pink with her ultra talent of changing colour without having those emotions (but there were emotions this time). The Princesses turned red with rage (they seemed to have learned Navi's changing colour trick) and were about to slap him. Malon almost cried. The Princesses raised their hands to get ready.

"LISTEN TO MY REASONS!" Link yelled, bending down to fetal position.

The girls paused, still holding their hands up but ready to listen.

Link looked up. He didn't think it would work. Girls are so confusing…

"Out of all you girls, I've known Navi the longest." Link started while standing up, with Impa listening, very interested in what he had to say. "And out of all you girls, she's by far the most helpful!"

The Princesses weren't satisfied, so the got ready…again.

"Wait a minute!" Impa called out. "I think you girls also under looked a few things."

The girls looked over at Impa.

"Now, I've been in a family of all boys, but me. Boys at his age are usually too young to like girls, and he probably thinks you all have cooties." Impa told the three contestants as Navi blushed behind a log, until Epona almost ate her. "If you girls want any luck with him, try when he's older (AN: there might be a sequel for this when Link is seven years older, so if you want to read that and find out the results, you can. The results will be different)."

And also, for those of you who have read my profile, I am a fan of RutoxLink.

"O.O …What?" Link asked the crazy person.

Link, you're lucky you didn't pair up with her!

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN LUCKY?" Ruto yelled at the super crazy person.

"Anyways…" Navi raised her voice, not pink anymore, pulling away from that topic. "What's first prize?"

"Um…" Zelda paused.

"Uh…" Malon stuttered.

"Er…" Ruto bit her lip.

"Well?" Link asked.

"The winner…" Ruto started.

"…she gets to…" Malon continued.

"…marry Link…" Zelda finished.

"O.O WHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT?" Link and Navi yelled.

The authoress did a happy dance because she loved writing down the descriptions 'started', 'continued', and 'finished'.

"I think you should have told him ahead of time…" Impa told the girls, ignoring what I just said.

"O.o Okay then…" Navi sighed.

"No offence Navi… But I want a divorce!" Link told Navi.

"-.-" Navi looked.

So our 'heroes' went their ways. Link went back to Mido's house, Navi went back to Mido's house, Saria went back to her log, Malon went back to Lon Lon Ranch, Ruto went back to Zora's Domain, and Zelda went back to Hyrule Castle.

**At Hyrule Castle, Zelda missed a bunch of things…**

"O.O WHHHHAAAAATTTT?" Zelda yelled, as soon as she found out what happened.

"Well, it seemed like a good idea at the time…" whimpered the King.

"You can't be serious…" Zelda told her father, clasping her forehead.

"But I am…" the King muttered.

"No wonder Tiffany quit!" Zelda yelled.

"What do you mean?" the king asked.

"What do you know about her? How long have we known her? Why would she agree?" Zelda asked.

"Well…" the king muttered.

"I still can't believe you _proposed_ to Tiffany!" Zelda muttered crossing her arms…crossly.

**At Lon Lon Ranch, things were not going well…**

"Daddy!" Malon yelled.

"Ingo wanted to!" Talon muttered feebly.

"You shouldn't have let him! Look what happened to the cows! They're black!" Malon yelled, pointing at black cows.

"But…" Talon started.

"NO BUTS! OR CIGARETTE BUTTS! You shouldn't have let Ingo smoke in the Ranch! Now what are we going to do for a stable?" Malon asked, pointing to charcoal remains of Epona's pen.

**At Zora's Domain was a different matter…**

"Ruto, the worst thing his happened." King Zora told Ruto.

"O.O Somebody peed in the pool!" Ruto exclaimed, fearing the worst.

"-.- No, worse than that."

"Nothing's worse than that!"

"Fine, the second worst thing happened!" King Zora started, pointing to a jumping fuzz-ball.

"WEEEEEE!" exclaimed the evil chipmunk as he ran around Zora's Domain until he had all the money in the Domain.

**Link and Navi… It wasn't going to be easy…**

"So… I just leave it here?" Link asked, wearing his regular outfit and holding the tuxedo in his hands.

"Yeah…" Navi told Link, her eyes transfixed on Mido's torn and milky suit. "We'll let him find it himself."

Link and Navi left the room. Mido entered a few seconds after. He noticed something…

**For Saria, things were normal…**

"He loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not…" Saria sighed, picking a few flower petals while dropping them on her fairy partner, who was now buried in them.

**As for Link and Navi… The two who had evidentially changed locations…**

Link sighed; he was lying on the grass of Hyrule Field. The grass felt so soft. The sun was so bright yet, not too bright. The sky was the prettiest shade of blue he had ever seen since he had left the forest. He was lying on a slop, not too step, not too flat. Navi was flying around his head in a slow way, as she admired the scenery, not too fast, but not too slow.

This was the kind of day Link would call perfect.

**END THE!**

Wait a minute…

**THE END!**

* * *

Cherry-sama: That was the last chapter! _(sniff) _(Do you guys think I should add bloopers?)

Link: Why are we always crying when you finish a fic?

Cherry-sama: Because it was so much fun to write. Now, please, I know (insert girl who you wanted to win) should have won, but if you want to flame me, please don't….

Zelda and Malon: _(flames)_

Cherry-sama: Except for die-hard Zelink and Malink fans. I understand if they flame me. And now that I look back, when SoC was narrator… I'm worried more about the fans reaction to Saria and Link couple… She's too good at romance!

Zelda: Review if you think Link still belongs to me!

Malon and Ruto: Or me!

Link: _(edges away slooowwwllly…)_


End file.
